Swabbies
by Chou
Summary: Random OP "skits", hopefully humorous, occasionally naughty. PG-13 naughty, anyway. (Updated SBS Response to the reviews on Chapter 2)
1. Sanji, Can You Spare a Screw?

Swabbies  
by Chou

Disclaimer: Oda-sensei owns One Piece. Like you haven't heard this a million times from me before. Anyway, Swabbies is my name for short, short OP fics, hopefully humorous, occasionally dripping innuendo like a sweet honey.   
  
Episode 1 – Sanji, Can You Spare a Screw?  
  
"Hey, Sanji. Gimme a screw." Usopp said causally to the chef without looking up.  
  
"Eh? Do it yourself, long nose." Sanji didn't move from where he was leaning against the wall.   
  
"Hey! I can't work on this unless you give me a screw, and if I can't work, the ship's in big trouble!" Usopp returned indignantly.  
  
Sanji, with deliberate nonchalance, tapped some ash off of his bent cigarette and made no other movements. Usopp glanced the chef, shrugged, and moved his hand with a jerk. A steady stream of wetness hit Sanji in the face.   
  
"Oi! Oi! You're dead, you…you shit…gah, long nosed…gah!" Sanji sputtered. Usopp calmly moved his hand and the stream stopped.  
  
"Want some more, you lazy chef, or is it a blast in the face again?" Usopp said haughtily.  
  
Sanji growled, stalked over to Usopp's toolbox, and pulled out a screw.  
  
"Fine! Here's your damn screw!" he shouted and stomped off to change into dry clothes.  
  
Usopp grinned and went back to repairing the hole in the hull.


	2. The Burning Flower of Passion

Swabbies  
by Chou

Episode 2 – The Burning Flower of Passion 

_Orlando gently grasped Belle's milky white…  
  
_"Hey, Nami!" Luffy's annoyed voice crashed into Nami's ears. She hastily hid the sordid paperback under her lounge chair and put on her best annoyed face.  
  
"What is it, Luffy?" she snapped, trying to regain her mental footing.

The rubber captain looked at her from the ram's head prow. "Whatcha reading?" he asked.

"Nothing…it's just a…navigation book, that's it." she supplied hastily, before she got an idea. A navigation book of anatomy, anyway, she thought.

"Why don't you ask Sanji when lunch is, Luffy? I think he's making a steak." She prayed this would work.

"MEAT!" It worked. Luffy ran to the kitchen.

Nami sighed with relief and retrieved the paperback. She found her spot and continued reading on, blushing slightly as the plot thickened.

"Ohcrap, ohcrap, ohcrap, ohcrap, ohcrap!" came a shrill shout from behind her. There was a sound of rapidly running feet.

_…the feminine petals of her…_

"CRAP!" And Usopp bowled into her chair, flipping it over for cover as a noxious smelling explosion blew past them.

Nami shouted at the cowering Usopp. "Are you insane!?" then the smell hit her "Ugh, what IS that?"

Usopp dusted himself off and tried to look innocent. "Just something I was working on. Er, too much sulfur, you think?" he looked around and picked up the book. "Here's your…"

He saw the cover. It was painted, and the artist had an eye for both anatomy and the flexibility of it.

Nami saw his face. "Give me that!" she snatched it from him.

"I'm not going to say anything, honest, so, err…" he trailed off. A vein in Nami's forehead was twitching. He inched away slowly, then ran as fast as he could.

Nami took a deep breath and set her chair back up before opening the book again.

_…Belle gasped at the…_

"NAAAAAAAMIIII-SAN!"

"Oh hell." She muttered quietly and quickly sat on the book.

"Ah, Nami-san, you look marvelous today! Glowing in fact, with even more radiant beauty than usual! Lunch is served!" Sanji slid up to her seat and proclaimed this as if he was speaking to royalty.

"Thank you, Sanji-kun. Keep a plate warm for me, I'll be right there." She said sweetly. He smiled wide and strolled off. She pulled out the book…

And a loud burp announced the presence of Roronoah Zoro, recently woken up swordsman extraordinaire. He regarded the cursing navigator as she stomped past him, and looked at the paperback in her hand.

"Hn. _The Ravishing Rogue_ had a swordsman, at least." he said and went to see what was for lunch.

Author's Notes:  
  
One of the things I find personally hilarious is the stereotype of romance novels (which is all I know, having never read one). Anything involving the term "the feminine petals of her womanhood" is too campy not to be funny, if you ask me. This is also as probably as close to writing a lemon as I'll ever get. Writing dirty joke OP stories is one thing, but putting a Sanji salami on paper takes a lot more authorial guts than I have.

SBS Review Response!:  
  
Q. Why is Nami reading a sordid romance novel? It's kinda OOC. Sanji seems OOC too.  
  
A. There are three reasons she could be reading it:  
  
1. She ran out of navigational books to read.  
2. Kaya (or Merry!?) left it onboard and she's reading it out of curiosity.  
3. It's part of the book collection King Nefertiti gave her from the Royal Library after the Alabasta Arc (wouldn't put it past him, either…great king, but a dirty old man sometimes).

And Sanji's not OOC, I think. He says stuff like that, case in point, when Nico first joined and he did a song and dance lunch delivery. He's a cool guy, but Sanji's an utter putz around the ladies. He's like the Mayor of Putzville at that.


End file.
